How loving him, turns to loving Him.

Around this time last year, I lost my grandmother and my best friend, my boyfriend, what I thought was going to be the only man I would and could ever love. I was broken beyond, broken could be. He was a MAJOR part of me and my daily life. The first time telling this story to the world because it hurt so bad but I've realize it's a testimony.

I wouldn't do this because I would prefer to keep it to myself. But I would be selfish if I didn't share this story:
Last night, I was laying in my bed and I wanted to play this song. The song I knew was for us that one day I would be brave enough to play it for him.
I am a woman that connections through music, you can tell my emotions and what I've been through on how I connect with the music I play. So this song meant everything to me. 
When I heard it for the first time I knew he would love it, because he loved every song I sent to him and listened to them thoroughly, I LOVED THAT MAN!! But I never got to play it for him because at the time we were dealing with somethings. For the first time in 8 months (we've been broken for 11 months), I was able to lay in my bed and smile. When we broke up, I was heart broken to the point I couldn't breath, I wanted to die, I was drowning in depression, I hated myself, I hated him, I stayed in the bed, and slept all day, stayed up all night and thought about how I could make it better, I hated my life, my situation, and cut off everyone around me and I was so deep in I couldn't pull myself out. The saddest part was I was looking for him to save me, like the good ole days when his favorite part was to show up, tell me why I hurt him and I tell him he hurt me, and he say we need to fix this because we can't be without each other but he never showed up. So I was stuck fixing it by myself something I never had to do since we first got together 4 years ago. It was time that I woman'ed up and got over it, so I cut off anything that reminded me of him. Mostly music because everything else was mental but music got me the most. So for 8 months, I was able to avoid any emotional connection to him especially the song I heard last night, the one I knew I was going to dedicate to him on our wedding day.

This time was different though, I took a VERY deep breath and prepared to play the song. I needed to hear something that made me want to feel the love we had. That DEEP, tense, love that when I saw him EVERYTIME I got butterflies and I mean EVERYTIME even just waking up to him in the AM, I always felt like the luckiest girl in the the world. He's walk, the way he talked, and how sexy he was when he was thinking and never hesitated to tell me what was on his mind...I say again I LOVED THAT MAN!!! So I started the song, (Oh Lord!!!) I was in store for a pool full of emotions, I was ready to cry myself to sleep like I did 8 months ago. The song was playing I got emotional but in a good way. I thought about him and I use to imagine him he would propose to me. I knew whatever he would've done would've been LOVELY, he thinks outside the box. Or would it been so simple I NEVER seen it coming. Regardless he would of blew my mind. Then I got emotional, very emotional not because I want to kiss on over his face and get on his nerves like I use to when he would fall asleep on me and I want him to stay up, or not because I longed for the need to feel him hurting my ribs when he pulled me closed to him every single night. It was because I not longer felt that hurt in my heart, that God really did a number on me to bring me from where I was to now. I have NEVER felt so strong in my life, my heart has never felt so cured. Then I was able to thank him (replaying the song for the tenth time), I was able to thank him for allow me to fall in love so deep that I couldn't see anything but our future and thank Him for that feeling. Then I thank Him for the feeling that I thought death would only cure my heart and being in His presence in sin was the only way I would forgive myself.

Last night, I slept peacefully. Last night I faced my fears with God standing right by my side. Last night I no longer had to hide from my feelings and cover my heart. Last night, I heard God say I got you. Last night, I didn't feel alone, Last night, I was able to love him for who he was and what we've been through. Last night, I fell in love with myself all over again, knowing I am  Queen of my own right that I fight so hard and I'm so passionate about my love for EVERYTHING. Last night, I fell in love with God and all He does for me. Last night, I became faithful, to God and our process. Last night I let go of the past and truly loved it for what it was. Last night, I realized that any man that was to love me wouldn't let me hurt so bad. Last night, I no longer needed him.

Last night, I became a woman of God!! I was able to love my celibacy more, my love to close my mouth and open my ears, my love to be obedient and only focus on God, my love to love harder and love everyone. I became at ease, I became grateful, and I became faithful to God.  

To him: I love you, I still believe that no one but your mother would love you more then I do and that's iffy lol!! You are amazing, I want nothing but the best for you, you deserve it all!! Have fun, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and get what you want. You have no limits. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!!!

Yours truly,
The Beautiful & Very Lovely BreShay

Hard Times?? TRUST!

It's been a while but I'm back!!

2014 was a HARD year but I've conquered it through the grace of God.  It only taught me to be strong and to trust no one but God. I can't help but to think though, people aren't worth anything which takes me to a very inhuman place and I can't help but to notice that I have to have human tendency to stay on earth. 

I guess it all boils down to Trust. Trusting, yourself with what you believe in and trusting your process. That your purpose on Earth goes beyond heights that you can't even imagine. You have to trust God to get you there as well. Just like me tonight was a HARD one, I have them sometimes. This past summer (2014), I lost my grandmother her heart failed after 97 years of  life. That was my pride and joy, she was my motivation for everything and I lost that. The sweetest woman I have ever known had left me on this Earth to meet her maker and return to her husband for over 60 years. WHAT A BLESSING. I got to missing her so much that to this day I still cry. Mainly, because everything seemed so simple with her here those were also the better days, She was funny, loving, and was VERY God fearing. I'm fighting to be half the woman she was. Tonight she was heavy on my heart, so I  had to take a drive. Without her it seems, like my life is purposeless but I know that's beyond the truth because she's watching over me everyday. 

During, my drive I was able to go see the city lights of AA (beautiful place my ex-boyfriend use to take me), there I cried about EVERYTHING and then mediated. I was able to hear everything God wanted to say to me as He wiped my tears away. I have never felt so relaxed and assure of myself until I drove back home. This refreshed me, even though you get discourage and feel you have no purpose, no one is there for you or you can't go on you have to search for God and get back to your purpose. You owed yourself that. We, as humans, tend to get down on ourselves which causes us to fall into depression and if your like me EXTREMELY emotional, it's really hard to come out of it. I pray that all finds their purpose on this Earth but all in reflection of God. His opinion of you should be the only one that matters. Confirm to Him before making all your decisions He will truly guide you on what to do, TRUST His timing He knows you better then you know yourself.

It's 2015, the victory is yours, trust it!!