A Declaration to Him and His Love

Currently sitting on my bed, listening to Keyshia Cole, thinking and thanking God for my day. As I proceed to start my April book, that I had for a while but never had the chance to get into because of school. I open the front and a piece of paper fell out labelled "To: BreShay" Hesitantly, I took a deep breath and opened it. A huge smiley face on the top and writing right below.  It says:

"This is the first Valentines Day where I write out the "Valentine" personally. You mean so much to me Shay and I hope you know that . I want to show you just how much one day, but until then I hope my love will be enough.........that and the dates and flowers and the other cornball things your boyfriend loves to do. 

I love you baby...signed his name."

I smiled, then burst into tears. How is this still my life? How can we fall in love but can't fall out? For so long all I've wanted to do was to get over him, to not remember anything, to talk about it and be understood that my heart was in it. But I AM HURT, my feelings are shot and my heart is broken. I have for so long wanted people to just listen to me like I did in their situations but only about him. Nobody had any words for me, nor did they listen, and friends told me to get a hobby (as though this was suppose to stop my thoughts and feelings). So I decided to bottle it in, pretend as though I don't care but these things don't change my feelings. Though I don't hurt as much and took time to understand my worth and value. I won't downplay myself for someone who doesn't want to go the extra mile to make us work.

My battle though, is with the what if's. What if we could have worked it out or what if we were more mature, what if he could of understood me and me understand him. More so WHAT IF WE WOULD HAVE JUST TOOK A MOMENT?! Away from emotions and pride, hugged and said I love you one more time. What if we CARE more than we had miscommunication. What if he needed me, like I needed him and What if we thought it was, WE were worth it. What if at the end of the day we chose each other instead of the separate situations we were in. W H A T I F, we knew nothing was worth our love and We knew the universe was trying to drive us apart. What if God was testing us and we fail terribly. What if we weren't so stubborn?

I have battled with this so much and though there aren't many questions I can answer I can just ask God for guidance and that He keeps me focused through my trying times, whenever they appear. I was talking to a good friend the other day and we were discussing the deal breakers in our relationships and what we have to do as women to go the extra mile to secure our relationships with men we consider our best friends and lured us in to talk about marriage, how do we get those to work? Understanding that we will forever have trying times and we will make the commitment but where do we draw the line and how do we draw the line? Would we need counselling? Can we overlook deal breakers?

My Declaration to You & Our Love 

This year would have been five years with an amazing growing man, because I valued him and our relationship I will declare my love.

Sir, when I met you six years ago you were not my type. As I got to know you you became my best friend, a soul mate, a provider, a protector, my lover, my journal, and shoulder to cry on. You became more than I could have ever expected and I thank you for that. I put you on and extremely high pedestal, which probably was the down fall to our relationship because you could do no wrong in my eyes and when you did it was WW3, which I knew the feeling was vice versa. I want to apologize for that because I know we are human and do human things. 

I want to thank you for being so much more for me and being an experience that I would NEVER forget. You truly took care of me and I will forever love you for that. You taught me communication, love, and called me out on my B.S. You were always honest with me no matter how I reacted and I appreciate that more than you would ever know.
I never wanted anything but a friend, you became a person that I knew I couldn't live without. Though it's hard to this day, I still think about calling you first when things are good and bad because you truly were my best friend. I use to dream daily on being your wife and coming home to you every night. Thank you for giving me that much love. I still have hope for our friendship.
This is not to say I'm in love with you, because I don't know if I am. Though my trust is shattered with you, I still hold you dare in my heart. I will forever root for you and be your biggest cheerleader. I wish our future relationships feel the way you felt when you wrote the letter and how I felt the first time I read it. I could go on but I will leave it at...Take care of yourself. Truly take care of yourself, like I took care of you when you were sick. I do and always will love you.




Honestly could care less of anybody feelings for this post. I made it mean it!!!

Good Night.